I tried to live like Dan Bilzerian and became aware of his problems

The American Instagram star seems to be just partying all day long as well as flying around the area with women and guns in private jets. I wanted to find out if this lifestyle really makes you happy.

Dan Bilzerian  embodies what 13-year-old boys think of as being grown-up: The American professional poker player became  famous on  Instagram because he has both lots of cash and a powerful beard. In addition he seems all day long only rumzuballern with weapons, to make party, to fly in private jets around and to have constantly uncomplicated sex with countless women.

Read more: Was the career of Instagram proler Dan Bilzerian made possible by his father’s dirty money?

Dan Bilzerian, however, is less human and more of a kind of constant advertisement for bachelor life. He is the figurehead for what life would look like if, as a man, you were no longer afraid and started exercising. In the real world, there are problems like bankruptcy, receding and self-reflection, but Dan does not live in the real world. Dan has 16.9 million followers instead, who can track his hyperexistence with the help of smartphones and feel both fascination and a bit of sadness – because to be honest, our lives are unlikely to look that way.

The whole thing grieves me a little. In terms of lifestyle heroes for white single men, there is only one option: Dan Bilzerian. If I come home alone at night, the apartment is in the dark, and I find that my cat has devastated the litter box, then there is no male version of Bridget Jones or Carrie Bradshaw that makes me think, “Oh well, everything not so bad, I still have my friends and a box of chocolates. ” No, I’m left with only Dan Bilzerian and his exaggerated life. And although Dan is probably a pretty asshole and all his photos are taken, he still gives me the idea that I’m happy if only I could live like him.

And that’s why I decided to live like Dan Bilzerian.

Monday

Dan Bilzerian wears cargo pants and I have no idea why. Even adventurous hikers no longer wear cargo pants. And yet I found eight different variants in the Walmart blend around the corner. A certain need must therefore still exist.

My plan was as follows: For five days, I would go  through a Paleo diet , drinking only protein shakes, and doing  some Dan-Bilzerian-style photo shoots. I also wanted to play poker, train a lot and wear the same clothes as the bon vivant. That’s why I also put on a pair of cargo pants.

But protein powder had to be. I think the whole thing is rip-off and if I find the stuff on the kitchen shelf with you, then I find you quite embarrassing, but for Dan I just saw myself in the duty to jump over my shadow. The week ahead of me should be different after all. I wanted to ignore my real instincts and in the moments of doubt prefer to ask myself what Dan would do in this situation. And Dan, of course, hits the protein powder immediately and drinks the wonder drug as if there was no tomorrow.

Then it went on to the casino. I had previously learned on the internet about how  poker  works at all and found that the whole thing is pretty boring and complicated. Basically, it’s all about the same cards – the same numbers, the same colors and the same pictures mean coal.

I hardly have to mention here that I had no idea what I was doing there. Exactly this fact seemed to drive my teammates, however, also to the white heat. Everyone paused for a moment, gave a loud sigh and then looked to see if I had pushed more chips into the middle of the table. It became clear to me that poker is about the same as it was back in school when they tried hard not to attract attention and get on their hats. Nobody smiled, nobody gave the impression of having showered, and I could not stop staring at the tangled pattern of the orange rug. Finally, I lost my last chips and went home.

Tuesday

I started the day with a trip to the gym. I am a member there because I like to steal things and think “I LIFT YOU HIGHLY”. There is also this one young woman who works behind the counter and even greets me with my name.

After my workout, I treated myself to a protein shake. And he did not even taste good. I would even say that the whole thing was dry and damp at the same time. About the same as cranberry juice.

In the evening a visit to the  strip club was  on the program. You may be wondering now how, as a poor swallower, I could do all the millionaire stuff that Dan does day in and day out. Well, Dan buys that stuff with money, I funded it all through hyperlinks. So I called  Bar 20 , Melbourne’s best strip club, and asked if there would be a couple of lapdance rounds on the house when I mentioned the place here in this article. You said yes.

Finally, it came to this lap dance heap hybrid. My pubescent self cheered happily, but the rest of me was more concerned about how my friend would shoot the photos. After all, I wanted everything to look perfect. However, I was in the middle of the pile and was therefore busy elsewhere.

That moment was also the moment when I felt closest to Dan. That’s because Dan’s Instagram feed may seem like an excerpt from his daily life, but in reality it requires a lot of planning. All these women do not hang out with the millionaire, because he is so good in bed, but because they are paid for posturing. What is often forgotten is the fact that as an Instagram celebrity you also have to have some ingenuity – for me that meant consuming a champagne-protein-shake mix and worrying about getting the ISO value for the flash had set too high.

Wednesday

On Wednesday, I allowed myself a private jet. My goal: nowhere. The reason for this was that Dan really owns a private jet, but I had to borrow one that actually belongs to a company called  Airly . And since this was just a photo shoot, the machine also stopped on the runway.

Motherboard: Creaking and Nude Women: Instagram’s Biggest Proll Launches FPS

Actually, I had agreed that a few of the strippers would come with me, but the shoot took place at 10 am and none of the women appeared. There was a brief moment of desperation in which I thought I would have to climb the plane alone, but then everything changed.

That’s Julia. Since I know her well, it was OK and no stress to ask her to dress smartly and serve me champagne.

The right is Mariam. She writes for us and so it was a little weird to ask for her help. Sure, this was a photo shoot and not an  orgy , but Dan adorns his pictures with women for relatively simple and dull reasons – and those reasons are not really compatible with Mariah’s employment contract. But she acted like a pro, never taking her eyes off her smartphone screen.

This is me as Dan Bilzerian after a busy but sexy weekend in Las Vegas during the three-minute trip back to Los Angeles. In the luggage: ten million dollars and a new weapon.

This is me as Julian, who uses the toilet of a private jet because he pretends to be Dan Bilzerian and because protein shakes are pretty assholes.

Thursday

I had to get a new protein powder. You could assume that “Nature’s Way” and protein powder are not exactly hand in hand, but that’s probably not the case.

We started rocking a bit, and one of the things that crossed my mind was that guns are pretty shitty. I did not really learn more from this exercise. They are dangerous and loud. Whatever you shoot, it breaks and shatters into a thousand pieces – even a target made of paper. Dan spins a lot with guns and I was actually looking forward to doing the same, but apparently that’s not my cup of tea. I grew up in Australia, in a quiet and harmless country. There are not so many cool things here, but we think it’s pretty stupid to provide the basis for killing sprees so that people can protect themselves from rampage. So I prefer to stay away from weapons.

The other problem with firing a weapon is that it feels so similar to what it used to be when replaying the Power Rangers. However, Dan Bilzerian basically hits a similar psychological score: sometime around 2013, the millionaire has become a big thing, and around the same time, the image of the “ultimate man” was unbelievably hip in the advertising space. Maybe you remember this phase with expressions like “male flu” or  “male cave” and countless products (sports drinks, condoms, canned chili and so on), all of which came in “men’s sizes”. Added to this was an estimated 25,000 beer ads, all of which were based on really male clichés. Of course, Dan Bilzerian, as the ultimate man, fits perfectly into the scheme, but three years later, this whole box seems a bit overblown. OK, weapons. Really cool.

Friday

On my last day, I spiced up my protein shake with decent vodka. Shit up!

Finally, I brought another goat to the office because Dan also has some goats left over. If you scroll through his Instagram account, you will find countless photos on which the bon vivant depends on a goat named Zeus. The two watch TV together or enjoy a BBQ on the roof terrace in the presence of some strippers. Dan even left one of his cars with a huge decal of Zeus. Dan seems to have some kind of obsession.

Munchies: Argan oil is the best thing that comes from the butt of a goat

And so we hung out and I tried to work along the way. The goat’s name is Two Stroke and she just wanted to eat all the time. When I looked into the long-shaped pupils of the animal, I could see above all hunger and a certain emptiness. Maybe it’s just the edge of a deep and beautiful abyss.

But there may also be some parallels to Dan here, because only one thing seems to matter to him – and that thing is power. Dan pays women for his photos, Dan trains for his photos and Dan uses the weapons for his photos. With his photos Dan finally wants to attract new followers and more followers mean more power.

Dan Bilzerian pushes the never-ending search for more to the extreme. Everything he does is massive, bombastic and covered with a layer of cocaine and hot women. It is something of the fleshed-out USA and I, as a guy who just has a few good buddies and wants to go camping sometimes, find it hard to keep up.

After living the Instagram celebrity for a week, I realized that his life was not so cool. For me, life just feels like life. It does not matter what I do. Sure, private jets are already quite casual, but basically it is just a shell with wings. And yes, it felt pretty good to be buried under a small bunch of strippers, but in the end those are just human. Somehow, I often had the feeling that I was being driven around a big city like a tourist, like “All right, that’s an old church, what else is going on?”

For Dan, however, there is no possibility to get out easily. All his fame is based on Instagram, so he’s trapped in this big, meaningless, exhausting and always unsatisfactory hamster wheel. After a long week, it’s finally possible for me to stop by Dan Bilzerian’s money and opportunities and direct my gaze to the goat in the background. Zeus knows that there is nothing better than food anyway.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here